I’m not posting anywhere near as often as I used to, and it’s driving me nuts. (Clearly, as this is the second time in as many entries that I’ve mentioned it.)
But every day that goes by without publishing a new post, I get really frustrated with myself. It’s not like I’ve been too busy to sit down and spill words into a doc. It’s not like I don’t have a million things to talk about (interesting or not). And it’s not like I don’t enjoy doing this.
I wouldn’t have created the thing if I didn’t think it would be fun!
But I realized just this morning that the main thing holding me back is this bizarre concern that one topic or another just isn’t relevant. That now wouldn’t be the right time to cover that. Wouldn’t X be more interesting? Why not do something New Year’s themed? Something about the 2010s?
Then I also realized: WHO CARES?
Nobody’s paying me. Nobody’s requesting these updates. Honestly, I doubt anyone’s even reading anymore. (Hello, Void!) So I’m hereby subscribing to the method of writing an article just because.
I’m doing this very post just because. Because it’s what’s currently on my mind. Because I know I’ll feel 100% better once it’s published. And because I can.
Actually, if it’s not too late for resolutions, I might make a new one to “just because” more.
This may sound easy, but when you consider how much weight I give the opinion of others, it’s kind of a big deal. Which is why I won’t go so far as to say the ’20s will be my Decade of “Just Because,” but I will do my best to start caring a little less. Not to the detriment of myself or anybody else, just enough that I’m no longer paralyzed with anxiety at the thought of how everything I say or do will be received.
Because it really doesn’t matter. Because the people who care aren’t keeping tabs. Because what they actually care about is me.
If I’ve learned anything in my 30 (still weird) years of life, it’s that the people worth impressing don’t make it difficult. They aren’t sitting there waiting for the next opportunity to pass judgement. They stay close enough to truly understand what you’re doing and thinking and feeling. They appreciate you being you, not anybody else.
I realize now this sounds like textbook sub-blogging, but it’s not. It might be a massive overgeneralization of everything I’ve gleaned from 8+ years of adult friendships, but it’s not “about” anyone.
Except me. Me and the headspace I’ve allowed people (as a whole) to occupy, rent-free.
Which is why I’m committing to this post and all future posts, regardless of how irrelevant they may seem.
I’m committing to appreciating the people who appreciate me.
And I’m committing to occasionally watching an entire docuseries about competitive cheerleading over cracking open a new book.
Because I know what I need when I need it.
And that’s how 2020’s gonna be.
Because I’ve had this on repeat for the last few weeks.