Disclaimer: I know movie titles are supposed to be in quotes, but it became way too cluttered to commit. Sorry.
We need to talk about this bracket.
I honestly don’t know where to begin.
The egregious omissions on the Disney side?
The INSANE seeding that has several top picks facing off in the first round?
Or the idea that any Disney movie could hold a candle to the Pixar finalist? Hell, even a Pixar semifinalist would blow Walt’s best out of the water.
This showed up in my Twitter timeline just before lunch today and I’m not kidding when I say it’s all I’ve been able to think about since.
For starters, what’s the criteria? Is it critical acclaim? Box office dollars? SOUNDTRACK? My personal preference here and now? Or all-time opinion?
It’s so poorly structured, my heart can barely handle this verbal breakdown. But when you consider the insights you gain on a person just by perusing their picks, it’s worth discussing.
In great detail.
So, if we consider the soundtrack angle, that very first match-up—top left corner—is already GARBAGE. You’re putting Elton John against Phil Collins?
What kind of monster…?
Based on cinematic quality alone, Lion King gets my vote there. The next one’s more evenly matched, but for sentimental purposes, I’ll go with Lilo & Stitch. (Neither pick would survive Mufasa anyway.)
Big Hero 6 is severely underrated, so it moves on to the Sweet 16, no problem.
But Frozen and Moana? In Round One? This is a new kind of mindf*ck.
You’re telling me to choose between two fairly recent flicks with the strongest of female leads and most belt-able soundtracks of the last 20 years?
AGAIN I ASK what kind of monster does this?
Here, I have to trust my gut and go with Frozen. I’m sorry, Lin-Manuel.
Poor Hercules deserved better odds than Aladdin right out of the gate, but Genie cannot be topped.
Little Mermaid—no brainer.
I’m also choosing Mulan over Zootopia (and catching quite a bit of heat for it), but Eddie Murphy as Mushu makes me laugh out loud every time.
Zootopia is high-quality cartoonage, but does it even have a soundtrack?
Maybe I’m being judged because I also have it beating Beauty and the Beast in Round Two, but again—that dragon.
My Top 8 from the left appear as such:
- Lion King vs. Lilo & Stitch
- Big Hero 6 vs. Frozen
- Aladdin vs. Little Mermaid
- Mulan vs. Beauty and the Beast
Got it? Cool.
Now let’s go to the Pixar side where my soul is crushed and subsequently killed by the pressure of having to make such stupidly impossible choices.
Seeing Up and Brave as the first pair, you can’t help but think, “Oh, this won’t be so bad!”
But putting Toy Story and Toy Story 2 head-to-head? Here? NOW?
Why would anyone do that?
Granted, Up is the clear winner in Round Two regardless, but still.
Toy Story 3, obviously.
Ratatouille rounds out three straight “no duh” picks—and not because I always forget A Bugs’ Life even exists, but because the chef is honestly too cute for words.
Finding Nemo vs. Inside Out is another spot where I nearly flip a table.
One is a classic, the other features a Top 5 plot (and cast).
Amy Poehler is the tiebreaker here.
Monsters Inc. vs. Cars provides another no-brainer, but that very last Pixar match-up is the greatest travesty of them all.
The Incredibles vs. WALL-E
I’m going to hop on my soapbox for a minute and yell at anyone who didn’t like WALL-E.
Did you not like it because it was basically one long episode of Black Mirror for children?
Or because there was very little dialogue and your attention simply couldn’t be kept?
Or maybe because you just don’t have a heart?
WALL-E is precious and I refuse to be told otherwise.
That said, Incredibles is objectively great (sequel is out this summer) and has no choice but to see the Sweet 16.
Advancing on the right:
- Up vs. Toy Story
- Coco vs. Toy Story 3
- Ratatouille vs. Inside Out
- Monsters Inc. vs. The Incredibles
At this point, things become a lot easier. So I’ll just share my finished product and allow you to (incorrectly) berate me as you see fit.
But let’s not forget those missing from the Disney lineup:
- Peter Pan
- The Jungle Book
- Alice in Wonderland
- Sleeping Beauty
- Snow White
- Lady and the tramp
So yeah, my brain may be broken, but I also have a new appreciation for the individual flicks after so thoroughly considering each one’s redeeming qualities.
Except Cars. All three (how?!) of those are super average.
It would also be interesting to meet the person who created this. If for no other reason than to figure out how old they are.
I’m putting the over-under at 25.
What are your picks? I’d love to know so we can fight about it for the rest of time.
I mean! Respectfully disagree like adults because obviously this is a very adult bracket that requires each participant to treat all differing opinions with respect.
Because it got the early boot.