November ends now and I just realized this would have been the only month ALL YEAR during which I didn’t blog, and that can’t happen.
But then I wondered what I’d even write about, because honestly the only stuff in my head right now is a ton of ramblings that resemble what I think might be a quarter-life crisis and I convinced myself nobody would even want to read that.
THEN I remembered this is my blog and I can do whatever I want.
If this seems all over the place, welcome to my brain. It won’t make sense, I can promise you that. But I’m hoping it will at least relieve some of the weight that’s been camped out right in the middle of my chest for the last few weeks.
It’s gonna be a blast.
Yes, calling it a quarter-life crisis is very dramatic. But when most of your free time is spent wondering what really matters—not in the “my friends and family are everything” sense, but a “who am I at my core?” sense—your mind is the Globe Theatre with every possible emotion vying for a lead role.
LIKE I SAID, SUPER FUN.
Here’s what I know: I care very much about people in general. If I had to take a single stance for the rest of my life, that would be it.
I care about people. I want them to live well and know that they matter.
What’s amazing is how controversial this school of thought has become.
When did human decency become a political issue?
With the exception of a few recent posts, I try to avoid politics altogether. Primarily because you never know what a person believes until you touch on something super sensitive and it turns into a big thing that you’d give anything to end right then and there.
And I realized a few days ago how much that silence has affected me.
If I had to break the weight in my chest into percentages, I’d say biting my tongue on everything POTUS-related makes up at least 50 percent.
That is neither healthy nor okay. Literally the ONLY reason I do it is to appease other people—and for the longest time I told myself it was simply a matter of surviving this presidency.
But it’s not that simple.
I’ve been telling my heart, what I know to be true and right and good, to keep quiet.
We don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
And that’s not something I can blame on Washington, D.C. or social media or the people I don’t want to upset.
That’s 100 percent on me. I’m compromising my own values and beliefs. For what?
The ramifications of that extend so far beyond political discourse, I almost threw up when it all clicked.
There will always be matters on which people disagree—political and otherwise. Am I always going to smile and nod and pretend to understand just to keep the peace?
I shouldn’t. I have been, but I shouldn’t. Not when I so strongly believe the things I do.
But here’s the crappy part: I’m very close to a lot of those people. The ones I don’t want to upset.
Or rather, didn’t want to upset until I became a “liberal f*ck” and realized I had been giving entirely too many damns.
I don’t like tooting my own horn at all, but I consider myself an extremely loyal person. I’m not one to let friendships fizzle or disregard the needs of the people I love—that’s where this nightmare of self-doubt and anxiety kicks in.
Does this weight in my chest justify cutting those ties?
Or do I just take a step back? Take a beat to reconsider what I deem important? Remember what makes me happy?
SPEAKING OF HAPPINESS, that last part is 100 percent why I’m calling this a crisis.
Recently, I’ve found myself randomly wondering if I’m happy. And that’s not to say I’m sad! But there have been occasions where I feel totally detached from the emotions of that moment.
I told you this wouldn’t make a lick of sense.
It’s like I’m simply observing my own life? Not that I’m unhappy, but there’s a feeling of unease that I cannot figure out.
And as much as I want that feeling to be a direct result of my values dilemma, I’m not sure it is. That would be too easy. Make way too much sense.
Which means I have no idea where to begin untangling this mess that is my mind. I feel insane. And selfish? Definitely ungrateful—because life is amazing! What on earth do I have to feel unfulfilled by?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Smile and sway: Francis and the Lights